Holtywood

Christmas 2009 in pictures

2010-01-04T22:21:00.001-07:00

Enjoy this cop-out Christmas collage, because I'm just too tired to post anything more detailed than photos right now . . . hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season!

Chatter: Apparently, being an asshole is in my DNA

2009-12-31T00:08:00.006-07:00

My sister:
Mandy, that hat is so lame. I can't believe you wear something with a daisy on it - are you 13?! Paddy, tell your mom that her hat is silly.

Patrick:
Mom, your hat is silly! *giggling*

Me:
Whatever, I love this hat.

My mom:
Honestly, just putting it on makes you lose about 20 IQ points, and you don't have that many to play with, sweetheart.

Merry 'Mas

2009-12-24T09:49:00.000-07:00

Someone wished me a "Merry 'Mas" the other day since they believe that I am, 1) overly-PC, and/or 2) anti-religion, and didn't want to risk offending me with a word containing "Christ". Puh-lease, my son's middle name is Christopher, I think I'm okay with it. Yayyyyy Christ! *spirit fingers*

So, MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone! Here is a scan of a card that I've been hoarding for the past five years because I couldn't stand the thought of giving it up. And now, thanks to the power of technology, it will be preserved for all eternity*. Maybe now I can send the hard copy to the person it was originally intended for.

*Look! I said "eternity"! That's a wildly popular word used in many religious texts. Proof positive that I'm totally down with J.C.

P.S. - After publishing this post, I'm 82% sure that I'm going to hell, if there actually is one.

PaddyTube: A simple request and a high five

2009-12-21T22:09:00.009-07:00

Paddy went to see Santa last week for the first time. And that's just what he did - he saw him. Sitting in Santa's lap was a bit too much to ask. (Like I said, MUY SENSITIVO!) After he thoroughly checked Santa out through the window, he told him what he wanted, which, as you will see in the video below, was so inordinately practical that Santa had to double-check to make sure he heard Patrick's request correctly. Finally, the Santa-Patrick Summit of 2009 commenced with a somewhat cautious high five. Maybe next year we'll graduate to a fist bump, but I'm not banking on lap-sitting anytime soon.

Situation analysis

"Candy canes and socks."

And then he asked his mom for some anti-bacterial gel.

He did it!

2009-12-18T21:17:00.004-07:00

On Thanksgiving morning (ages ago, I know, I know) Patrick actually got on a swing. And not only did he sit on it without screaming, he let me push him a little bit. And I think he may have even enjoyed it.

Now I understand that for those of you with adventurous kids this seems like a ridiculous accomplishment. But you've got to understand that our little guy is muy sensitivo. MUY. And this is an event that has been 18 months in the making. Everytime we would even suggest the swing, he would lose his shit. Then the one time we got him on there he slid off and was traumatized for months. So, it took some major coaxing to get him on there again - I promised I'd make a mini-snowman with him if he tried it. Success!

I cherish this time when I can use snow as bribery. I know the time when I'm bargaining with an iPod is just around the corner.

Look, Ma! Two hands!

The masterpiece, Snowy

Snowy sans head

Chatter: The LAST thing you want to hear your son ask your dad

2009-12-21T14:05:00.005-07:00

While Paddy and I were over at my dad and stepmom's for dinner on Thursday night, this was our conversation in between bites of chicken pot pie:

Paddy: I have a penis!

Me: Yep, you do. Please eat your dinner, Paddy. *trying not to laugh*

Paddy: Papa, do you have a penis?

Papa: Yes.

Paddy: Is it a big one? Or a small one? Which is it, Papa?

Me: *trying not to throw up*

PaddyTube: Looks good!

2009-12-14T20:00:00.004-07:00

Global disaster? May I interest you in some gingerbread cookies . . .

2009-12-03T21:24:00.008-07:00

Christmas of 2008 was so great. We were warm and cozy in our new house and, even better, this new house had a food storage room in the basement where we could pack away all of the holiday crap once December was over.

This year, I went to retrieve the many boxes of holiday decorations and wrapping stuff to find that they would not budge. Apparently, in my haste to put things away last year, I hadn't noticed that the top two shelves of the food storage room were pooled with a dark, gooey substance. A substance that pretty much glued our boxes to the shelves.

I just spent the last hour scrubbing those shelves with effin' hot water trying to dissolve the sludge and have decided that it is either:
a) molasses; or
b) the remnants of a crime scene.

I'm leaning towards the first option, though why the previous owner would have stored molasses for an emergency is beyond me.

So, I'm looking at tonight's gross task as a learning experience: I now know that if we ever decide to store food*, molasses will not be part of the inventory.

*Our storing of food would never happen for two reasons:
1) That room is already jam-packed with twice as much holiday shit than we will ever need, 20 bottles of wine, a shelf of hard liquor and three (yes, three!) yellow onions; and
2) If anything so awful happened in this world that our survival would depend on more than what is in our pantry, I'm pretty sure that we'd just be better off drinking the Kool-Aid.

Chatter: 2009 Illness #43

2009-11-30T11:14:00.004-07:00

Courtney: Dude, Amanda! We need to stick you in a steam chamber - you sound like Darth Vader.

Clint: Or a major stoner.

Courtney: No, I've got lots of stoner friends and they don't sound that bad. That is the voice of someone who has been chronically ill for 18 months.

Clint: Okay, you make her laugh and I'll whack her on the back. We'll get that mucous out somehow.

OMG, y'all! Tennessee rocks!

2009-11-29T21:24:00.012-07:00

We went to Tennessee earlier this month to visit my grandma, aunt, uncle and cousins and had such a great time. Grandma totally spoiled us. She laid out a tasty breakfast each morning, complete with clementines (which Patrick is now referring to as "Sweeties" instead of "Cuties") and pastries from Panera's. She also planned fun (yet non-stressful) outings during the day, such as hanging out in the 60-degree weather in her darling neighborhood (think DayBreak, but smaller and more centrally located), a picnic in the Smoky Mountains, lunch on the Clinch River, a morning at the Oak Ridge Children's Museum and chocolate shakes at the old-fashioned drug store in town. Oh, and there were many Scrabble games. And a few sinful pieces of Grandma's chocolate cake. Mmmm . . .

(Shittiest Scrabble hand EVER)

We also got to spend some fun times with Uncle Matt (who we referred to as "Bad Matt" to avoid confusion with our own Matt, who is "Nerd Matt"), my I-Hate-Brad-Pitt's-New-Facial-Hair Aunt Laura, agreeable tween cousin Sam (can tweens be agreeable? aren't they supposed to be total a-holes?) and my youngest cousin, the gravely-voiced spitfire named Will.

And, finally, let me just say that The South gets a really bad rap. I mean, I love The South - after all, it's the region that gave us Britney Spears! And though Oak Ridge, Tenn., put itself on the map in a very unique way, it is still innately southern. Where else can you get an ice cream cone filled with whipped cream? Or sit in an old hickory rocking chair in the airport? Or see a 300-pound mulleted woman in overalls cut the tag off her new WalMart faux leather boots with a hunting knife?* No where except Tennessee, baby. We've gotta get back there in 2010 for more adventures.

*I don't have a photo of this experience. I reeeeeally wanted to take one so I could submit it here, but was scared that I would get my ass whooped if anyone caught on to what I was attempting to do. My friend, Angela, is Queen of taking camera phone photos on the sly - I think she needs to give me a lesson.

Oh, autumn, we were just starting to enjoy you!

2009-11-23T22:50:00.004-07:00

We just experienced Salt Lake's last dry weekend of 2009, I'm afraid.

I fear that someday he will trip on that lower lip.

Pretty sure this is what heaven looks like to an energetic, slide-loving toddler.
See the angelic rays of light?

"I'm going to go again, Mom. Is that cool?"

Did I ever tell you about the time that . . .

2009-11-18T11:29:00.008-07:00

. . . Milo ate his own poop for dinner (as he does) and then in the middle of the night puked it up in our bedroom and then after I cleaned it all up he yakked again on the hallway rug and then after I cleaned up mess #2 I went outside to throw away my plastic bag full of shitty puke rags and stepped in* a third pile of shitty puke he had left directly outside of the back door? Well, now you know.

*WITH MY BARE FOOT

Appendix A-Hole: Reason #3,449 that I'm an asshole

2009-11-07T23:12:00.008-07:00

Last Sunday night/early Monday morning I thought that Matt's stomach pains were just another instance of what I like to call, Men-Can-Be-Such-Goddamn-Whiny-Babies-When-They-Are-Sick Syndrome.

So, around 4 a.m. when he said that he was going to drive to the emergency room and that I didn't need to go with him and should just stay home with Paddy, I'm ashamed to say that I let him. Drive. Himself. To. The. Hospital. Wow, that looks as awful typed out as it sounds spoken aloud, doesn't it? Yep, I am an asshole.

Yeah . . . not one of my best decisions. Turns out, Matt's appendix was swelling and getting ready to burst. Poor thing. This time, his distress was not worthy of an Oscar, but rather caused by genuine, unadulterated pain. Yep, I am an asshole.

The ER doctor recommended surgery right away, Matt went under the knife around 9 a.m. and we were home by 3 p.m. The Appendix-less One is taking it easy and doing much better. He'll be back to normal in no time. And I'll still be an asshole.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

2009-10-31T22:55:00.003-06:00

This ferocious tiger may very well rip your face off. Happy Halloween!

Things that are bringing a smile to my otherwise surly face today

2009-10-28T13:45:00.005-06:00

1. Halloween candy on Courtney's desk

2. The Lilith Fair has announced a summer 2010 tour and I'm totally considering flying to DC to see it with my high school FFBFF (Fellow Feminist Best Friend Forever) Rachel

3. Today is my Friday, bitches!

4. Patrick asking me out-the-blue on the way to school, "Mom, do ducks have hands?"

5. Heated car seats

6. Lunch with my sis

7. Chaz's transformation is near completion

UPDATE - and one more . . .

8. This shirt, and how much it reminds me of Milo

God, I love Picasa

2009-10-24T22:58:00.007-06:00

Since as a mom-who-blogs I'm pretty much legally required to post a photo of my kid in a pumpkin patch, I just have to say how happy I am that we are in the digital editing age. Observe:

And a few more, just for the hell of it:

*If you don't use Picasa for your photos, get it here right this second, for free. It is the bomb dot com.

Chatter: What do horses/hippies eat?

2009-10-19T18:35:00.000-06:00

Patrick:
Yeah, and we saw the horses and I said hi and they went "neeeeigh" and they looked at me and they were walking around and eating their dinner and . . . . *tilting head* What do horses eat?

Female relative:
They eat oats and hay and grass.

Patrick:
They eat grass for dinner? And they have grass for breakfast?

Female relative:
Yes.

Patrick:
Do YOU eat grass for breakfast? *giggling*

Female relative:
No, silly boy, I've never had grass for breakfast.

Unidentified eavesdropping smartass:
Um, are you sure about that? I'm pretty sure that you did in college . . .

My seasonal allergies indicate that autumn is here

2009-10-13T14:38:00.003-06:00

And that means pumpkin goodness. Pies, cookies, ice cream, breads and photos of pumpkin-painted body parts.

Here's a recipe for a tasty treat that Paddy and I made this weekend:

Pumpkin Gingerbread
3 cups sugar
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce
1/2 cup vegetable oil
4 eggs
2/3 cup water
1 (15 ounce) can pumpkin puree
2 teaspoons ground ginger
1 teaspoon ground allspice
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1 teaspoon ground cloves
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
2 teaspoons baking soda
1 1/2 teaspoons salt
1/2 teaspoon baking powder

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Lightly grease two 9x5 inch loaf pans. (You can also use mini loaf pans or well-greased muffin tins, decreasing the baking time, obviously)

In a large mixing, combine sugar, oil, applesauce and eggs; beat until smooth. Add water and beat until well blended. Stir in pumpkin, ginger, allspice, cinnamon and cloves.

In medium bowl, combine flour, soda, salt, and baking powder. Add dry ingredients to pumpkin mixture and blend just until all ingredients are mixed. Divide batter between prepared pans.

Bake in preheated oven until toothpick comes out clean, about 1 hour.

The original, un-Mandafied recipe can be found here.

Hello there!

2009-10-19T08:45:00.002-06:00

Patrick's current greeting of choice is "Hello there!", which I think it fits his expression in this photo perfectly.

This was P's second professional photo shoot. The first was in the basement of JCPenney at six months old. He was a terrified, drooling blob who could barely hold up his massive head and the photos captured that perfectly. Not so cute.

This photo turned out much better. The way he's lounging on that little bench cracks me up. And could his clothes not coordinate with the background any better? Were it not for his pale skin and white-blonde hair you would have to call upon your mad Where's Waldo skills to even spot him.

Here's our conversation while looking at the sheet of eight wallet-sized photos this morning:

P: Ohhhh!!! There I am!

Me: Yes, that's you. You look so handsome!

P: *pointing to each square* That's Patrick. And that's Patrick. And that's Patrick. And that's Patrick. And that's Patrick. And that's Patrick. And that's Patrick. And that's Patrick!

9: It's a cold comfort for this hopeless romantic

2009-09-30T07:15:00.001-06:00

Here's the card I'm giving my better/older/cuter/crankier half for our ninth anniversary today:

And he knows it's true.
Love you, Matt. But don't tell anyone.

Nerd alert

2009-09-29T11:15:00.003-06:00

Recently saw this license plate frame:

Book lovers never
go to bed alone

Something tells me that Homeboy's not going to get any action in the near future, with the exception of a three-way chat on Goodreads.com. Don't you agree?

They grow up so fast

2009-09-23T21:26:00.006-06:00

I already had The Sex Talk with Paddy. Can you freaking believe it? We didn't intend for it to happen this soon. And I myself definitely hadn't planned on being a part of it - this is father/son territory in my book. Alas, the opportunity presented itself this week when I picked him up from daycare.

Yesterday Paddy's sweet teacher handed me an Incident Report to sign. This isn't a big deal. It's just that legally they have to explain why your kid is not being returned to you in the same condition that you left him. I've signed them before for things like a scrape on the knee, a bump on the forehead and a few kid-to-kid biting incidents, the first of which I chronicled here. This time it was again a biting episode - again with Patrick as the bitee, not the biter. Okay, fine. As long as Patrick's not the one munching on his friends and the bite isn't severe, I'm okay with it. Signed. Done. Let's go.

A few minutes later, as I'm sitting at a stoplight in the car, I'm reading more carefully over the document and see that the usual description of the incident doesn't give a reason for the bite (fighting over a toy, someone stole someone's snack, etc.). It simply said, "A child bit Patrick on the neck." Wait a minute, what? Not on the typical easy-to-access finger or hand, but on his neck? WTF? Is there a toddler vampire in the house? Sweet Jesus, please tell me that the kids aren't being read chapters from the Twilight series for story time. Isn't it enough that every girl over the age of 10 is obsessed with your book, Ms. Meyer? Did you have to target the diaper crowd, too?!

Anyhow, I now felt it necessary to investigate MiniVampireGate further with Patrick, so started quizzing him:

Me: Paddy, what happened today?

Paddy: Clara bite me. She bite me right here. *pointing to neck*

Oh, honey! I'm so sorry. Does it hurt?

Yeah, it hurrrrrts. *drawing out the sentence with a non-convincing whine*

I'm sorry. Why did she bite you?

I lay on her.

What? You laid on her? Why did you do that?

I was just giving her loves.

*10-second silence*

Well, sweetie, from now on, you really should only lay on the girls who want you to, okay? You need to make sure that they like your loves.

Okay, Mom. I ask them first.

Explanation of sexual consent - check. My work here is done. Matt, it's up to you to explain the rest.

These hands just want to hug you. Is that so wrong?

Chatter: Puppet talk

2009-09-16T13:42:00.003-06:00

Mama: How was the puppet show today, honey bear?

Paddy: Good! There was a fox and sheep. And then a wolf ate the sheep all gone! And then Stella cried.

Mama: Oh, well yeah, Stella cries a lot, doesn't she? It's just that Stella is sensitive.

Paddy: No, mom, she is Stella.

The nerve

2009-09-08T21:06:00.003-06:00

Can you believe this? The nerve of some people thinking they can sneakily sway youths' ideological leanings with words of encouragement and concern about getting an education.

My blood boils at the thought of American students being told things like, "Every single one of you has something that you're good at. Every single one of you has something to offer."

That condescending son-of-a-bitch.

And, what about this? "We need every single one of you to develop your talents and your skills and your intellect so you can help us old folks solve our most difficult problems."

Clearly he's too lazy to solve the really difficult problems (i.e. health care) on his own.

And have you ever seen such evidence of an egomaniac! "So I wasn't always as focused as I should have been on school, and I did some things I'm not proud of, and I got in more trouble than I should have. And my life could have easily taken a turn for the worse. But I was -- I was lucky. I got a lot of second chances, and I had the opportunity to go to college and law school and follow my dreams."

Braggity, brag, brag . . .

But this is the part that really gets me: "Where you are right now doesn't have to determine where you'll end up. No one's written your destiny for you, because here in America, you write your own destiny. You make your own future."

How DARE he instill hope! First-class asshole, that Obama is.

Thank God that the kids in Patrick's preschool weren't forced to watch this disgusting showmanship of liberal indoctrination that was so neatly wrapped up in a bouquet of bullshit called "education". It's an outrage, if you ask me.

Chatter: Because being bisexual is just selfish

2009-08-26T13:28:00.002-06:00

Courtesy of Monday morning Google chat

Rachel: mandy my uterus hurts

me: Oh shizz, I'm sorry. Get an IUD and you won't have a period for 5 years!

Rachel: why the hell would i get an IUD. i dont shtup boys

me: But if you ever wanted to take a walk on the hetero side, you're covered!

Rachel: i would rather swallow a razor blade with a shot of tabasco than flip the script on my orientation